Rocks into Diamonds

                                                                                                               January 18, 2015

There is a tale of a young man who passed by a wise old man. The old man asked the young man for his help, the young man hesitantly agreed. The wise old man gave the young man an empty bag, and told him to put rocks in it. The young man, not understanding the purpose of it, but finding it easier to obey than ask questions, found some rocks and put them in the bag. Upon returning the bag to the wise old man, he said to the young man, “that’s not enough, add more rocks.” The young man, grudgingly put more rocks in the bag. Again returning to the wise old man, he was told, “more rocks”. The young man put just a few more rocks in the 2/3 full bag before handing it to the wise old man for what he thought was the last time. The wise old man gave the bag back to the young man, “No, this is for you to carry until the end of the day.” After a few more words between the two men, the young man took the bag of rocks and carried if for the rest of the day. At the end of the day, he put the bag down, and pulled out a rock, wondering the point of it. To his surprise, a rock he did not pull out, but a diamond. He looked inside and found that each rock had turned into a diamond. The young-but now a little wiser-man was sad he hadn’t put more rocks in the bag, but glad that the wise old man had returned the bag twice to him for more rocks. Some experiences or situations in life seem like rocks, not worth much, and we’d rather not carry them around with us all day. They are too heavy to carry; we’d rather rid ourselves of them for good. If we ourselves rid ourselves of the rocks, we can’t have the diamonds at the end of the day. Throughout the day, it is the Savior’s atonement that slowly turns our rocks into diamonds. Application of the atonement brings change. It changes heavy rocks that we say aren’t worth carrying, into diamonds with such worth, we never want to let them go. Sometimes we have circumstances that are hard to carry. But it can be done with the help of God, and in the end, there are diamonds to show for the work we, and God have done, in carrying the rocks throughout the day. I want to share some diamonds I have found in my bag over the past couple years.

Hello friends! This is going to be quick (not quick), but informative, and hopefully helpful for someone. Maybe some of you already know, some of you may have ideas, and some of you may be surprised. The truth is, I am attracted to guys. I realized, accepted, and began to come to terms with this fact almost two years ago. My life has improved so much during this time. That may sound backwards, but it’s the truth. The first diamond I want to share is: I am good enough for God, His love, and His acceptance. For a long time I tried to prove that I was good enough for God, feeling that I was not good, and that I needed to overcome something that was inherently wrong with me, but that I could not put my finger on. I am good enough for God. I don’t have to try and be good enough anymore. There is good inherently in me. That does not mean that I don’t have to improve. It means that I am good enough to be called God’s. Diamond number two: I know God loves me, every part of me. I learned it because I felt it, and now I know it. Diamond number three: I accept myself. I am more accepting of myself, and I am easier on myself. For many years I was hard on myself for making mistakes, and doing the wrong things ever and over. I would mentally and emotionally tear myself down. I wasn’t good enough for myself, so there was absolutely no way I was good enough for God. I learned that that direction of acceptance is what was backwards. My acceptance of myself does not precede or define God’s acceptance of me. I learned that the opposite is actually true. God’s manifestation of His love, acceptance, grace, and mercy, can define how I see, and accept myself. I can define my own self-acceptance after God’s acceptance of me. God’s love will never falter, therefore, my love for, and acceptance of, myself need not falter. If I am good enough for God, then I am good enough for me, and anyone else. Diamond number 4: God loves YOU! After experiencing this great feeling of His love and acceptance in a way I never had before, I understood that I am no different than His other children, and that He must love each of you at least as much as He loves me. He loves you, I know it because I know He loves me!

When I accepted that this was a part of who I was, I very quickly recognized I didn’t know where to begin, to start dealing with it. I knew that aspects of my life would change by default, due to the new perspective. I told God that if this was real, which I knew it was, that I would give it to Him because I had no idea how to manage it.  I also quickly recognized that it was too big for me to handle with my current life experience. Again, I knew my life would change, and if I gave it to God, He would take care of me, and the best outcomes would be had. That very day, my life started to change for the better. It was like God literally took my life, and started making it better by putting key people, and opportunities right in front of me. I have learned a great deal about myself; how to take care of myself mentally and emotionally, how to say no, and when to say yes. I have learned, and am still learning how to communicate with people, and create and maintain mentally and emotionally healthy relationships. There is still lots to learn, and I am looking forward to that. Definitely, my life has improved a great deal in the past almost two years. Not to say that it has been all easy. Growth is hard at times, and I’ve experienced emotions to an extent that I hadn’t before. I’ve learned its ok to feel. I can feel angry, sad, scared, and even happiness and joy, and they can be expressed. Anger can be felt, and expressed in ways that are beneficial, and healing. I don’t hold my emotions inside like I used to, and that is healthy. I have also learned that it is ok to care what I look like. Let me rephrase that, it’s ok to look like I care what I look like. I always cared what I looked like, but I didn’t want to look like I cared, or didn’t want others to think that I cared. I know, it’s kind of messed up, but such was my life.

I share this “new” aspect of myself because I am not afraid of it, nor ashamed of it. It is part of who I am, and, I now know that I am acceptable to God, and I accept me. The truth is, I was always acceptable in God’s eyes, but not in my own. I share it also because accepting the attractions has been a catalyst in moving my life forward in positive ways like it has never moved before. The lessons I’ve learned as mentioned above are so valuable, and I wouldn’t trade them. I think there are potential catalysts (rocks) in all of our lives that can propel us forward if we allow them to. There are diamonds to be found in the bag of life’s experiences. Life can be hard. Yes, there are struggles, and hurt, and lots of other experiences along the way. There is also light, happiness, joy, family, friends, and even miracles. Under it all, is a love of God for each of His children. He loves us more than we can comprehend. I know God lives, and that He loves His children. It’s a very beautiful thing. If you don’t feel it yourself, let God be God to you personally. He will, in His time and way, manifest Himself, and His love to you. He has to me, and I am no different than you. My life isn’t where I want it to be, nor am I where I want to be. But I AM happy where I am, and where my life is going, and where I am going. I don’t know the destination, but I do know that I am on a path to creating a continually improved life, and becoming a better person, both of which because my relationship with God is improving, and that is enough to make progress in any area of my life that needs it.

Another reason I share, is because I feel that the knowledge I have gained through these experiences, not everyone has; I didn’t for most of my life. The knowledge I have gained, and the experiences I have had (diamonds I have found) are not just for me; I want people to know what I know. The way to share what I have learned is to be real, authentic, and unafraid to just be me. I am learning that as I come out of my shell, and just be me, I can help others without really trying, and that is beautiful. I don’t share this to seek attention, but to help anyone who may be having a hard time with situations in their lives. Life may not be how we want it, but there are basic things that if we have, life is better, even if the situations themselves don’t change. The first step is acceptance of situations as they are, “Yes, I am carrying this bag of rocks.” Then, recognizing what we CAN do to improve upon the situation, whether it be ways in which we can act to change the situation; changing our perspective or view of the situation;  finding the good that is there to be found in that situation; or learning from it. There is always something to be taken from any given situation, even if it is experience. It is possible to choose to not be the victim of our situations or circumstances.

I am inspired by people who are authentic, and unafraid to share themselves. I want to help myself, and others improve our lives. For me, it’s learning to be real, and allowing myself to be real while stepping outside of my norm. I have energy to be myself, I don’t have energy to be, or pretend to be someone else. I am happy to be me. I am actually excited to have shared some super valuable diamonds with you. Thank you for reading, God bless!

The Boxes In Our Lives Labeled, "ART"

A little over a month ago, I was in my room, thinking about my life (I do that kind of a lot), and I was feeling very content with who I was, and who I was becoming. I had for many years thought that I must try harder in order to be good enough; good enough for me; good enough for God; and at the same time, be the person that others needed/ expected me to be. In my mind, I wasn't good enough; for me, or for God; and I was tired (literally) of being the person others needed/expected me to be. I take credit for that because I allowed it to happen. I unknowingly allowed myself to get to a place over time, where I didn't know who I was. What I did know, was that I was trying reach good enough. I may or may not have been good enough for other people; in my mind I wasn't. I was trying to be good enough for God, and yet, never reaching good enough for God. I had allowed others to depend on me, and I didn't know how to change things without completely rocking the boat...no, completely flipping the boat over, in those relationships. And I thought that by doing so, the message I would be sending was that I didn't love these people. I DID/DO love these people, so I was trapped, keeping the seas calm on the outside for the benefit of others, while waves were crashing on the inside. I thought it was my responsibility to...I could say a lot of things...be the steady foundation, the rock, the glue that held things together; even things that were not my doing, but for which I felt responsible to hold together.

Then last year I came to realize that it IS within me to completely flip the boat over; and it needed to be done if I was ever going to change the way I interacted with people. I learned that I DO matter, that I AM good enough, FOR EVEN GOD! And if I am good enough for God, then I am good enough for myself, and what other people think doesn't matter! I realized it was not my responsibility to take care of other people in ways that were not healthy for myself. I learned that I CAN, and NEEDED to take action that was self-based. I needed to take care of myself first, mentally emotionally, physically, spiritually. 

Over the course of the past year and a half, that is what I have done. I have taken charge of my life; I flipped the boat and changed for the mucho mejor, certain relationships, I have set boundaries with them, and others. My life is SO much different now than it was 2 years ago, and SO much better! I have also been learning during this same time, who I am; what I like, what I don't, what I want, who I am, and who I can become. I realize that my potential is much more than I currently am, and that is a beautiful thought. 

This brings me back to where I started. A little over a month ago, I was sitting in my room, thinking about my life, particularly where I had been, and came from over the past year and a half; and where I currently was. I was happy; with my life; with the progress I had made, and that I was presently making. As I looked around at my room, my bed was unmade, there were a few shirts, a book, my phone, and a couple pillows on top. My scriptures were on the floor, along with 2 boxes of other books I hadn't decided where to put, even after 5 months, and some shoes. My computer desk had papers on it, fingernail clippers, a starburst from a friend, my glasses, and some pens. My room was not spotless, neither was it a complete disaster. What it was, was beautiful. Why? Because the unmade bed, with the shirts, book, my phone, and the pillows, along with my desk, and the floor, were...are you ready for this?... allowing me to be me. Everything in my room, exactly how it was at that moment, and at any other moment, is there to support the life that I live. No one else's room looks like mine, which makes it unique. To me, it WAS beautiful. It was completely mine, and I accepted every aspect of it. I was very content!

Shortly after that experience, like 30 minutes later, I was reading in a book called, Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown. A portion of that book talks about perfection. For all those previous years I thought I wasn't good enough because I wasn't perfect. Over the past year and a half I have come to be grateful that I am not perfect. It's way to hard to try to be. What I CAN be is any amount better than I was yesterday. It's not about perfection, it's about progression, and progression is progression. Now, I CAN be perfect through the atonement, and that is our purpose in life; to be perfect, even as He is perfect, which is possible through the atonement. The atonement is SO amazing, that it even covers our imperfection in using the atonement, mind blowing, I know!! Anyway, back to the book, and my whole point in writing this blog post. A re-cap, 30 minutes later, after looking around at my awesome room, I'm reading in this book...Ok. I read this, which I can't even explain how I felt afterwords, because it fit "perfect"ly with the experience I had just had in my room. Brene quotes Nicholas Wilton, the illustrator of one of her earlier books:

"I always felt that someone, a long time ago, organized the affairs of the world into areas that made sense--categories of stuff that is perfectible, things that fit nearly in perfect bundles. The world of business, for example, is this way--line items, spreadsheets, things that add up, that can be perfected. The legal system--not always perfect, but nonetheless a mind-numbing effort to actually write down all kinds of laws and instructions that cover all aspects of being human, a kind of umbrella code of conduct we should all follow.

Perfection is crucial in building an aircraft, a bridge, or a high-speed train. The code and mathematics residing just below the surface of the Internet is also this way. Things are either perfectly right or they will not work. So much of the world we work and live in is based upon being correct, being perfect.

But after this someone got through organizing everything just perfectly, he (or probably she) was left with a bunch of stuff that didn't fit anywhere--things in a shoe box that had to go somewhere.

So in desperation this person threw up her arms and said, 'ok! Fine. All the rest of this stuff that isn't perfectible, that doesn't seem to fit anywhere else, will just have to be piled into this last, rather large tattered box that we can sort of push behind the couch. Maybe later we can come back and figure where it all is supposed to fit in. Let's label the box ART'

The problem thankfully was never fixed, and in time the box overflowed as more and more art piled up. I think the dilemma exists because art, among all the other tidy categories, most closely resembles what it is like to be human. To be alive. It is our nature to be imperfect. To have uncategorized feelings and emotions. To make or do things that don't sometimes necessarily make sense.

Art is just perfectly imperfect.

Once the word Art enters the description of what you're up to, it is almost like getting a hall pass from perfection. It thankfully releases us from any expectation of perfection.

In relation to my own work not being perfect, I just always point to the tattered box behind the couch and mention the word, Art, and people seem to understand and let you off the hook about being perfect and go back to their business."

This really did completely confirm that my life is basically art; and it's acceptable, it's a masterpiece!! There are pieces of my life that I don't yet know what to do with, that does not mean in any way that I can't make progress in the areas that I do know something about. Neither does it mean that I am a failure, because I can pull things out of my box labeled Art, at any time, and see if they fit somewhere. If so, fantastic, if not, I'll put it back for a while. What it does mean, to me, is that the possessions in my life, my bed, my car, my computer, and everything else "my", are part of my life and have the purpose of serving me in the creating of my life masterpiece, which is the growth and development of my person. I am not to serve the possessions in my life; take care of them, yes, but serve, no. They are to serve me, and I am to serve others. The definitions of art can be as numerable as there are people to define it, which is fantastic, because it means that my art, IS perfect.

Owning the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

I went for a run yesterday. I love to run. Currently, it's something I can do and be successful at independent of anything, or anyone else. After finishing my run, my first thought was, "No one can take that away from me. I ran 6 miles, it cannot, nor will not be undone." I found so much comfort and stability in that fact. I own those miles. Over the course of the past couple years, I have recognized lots of things that I "own". To name a few, there is my mission, my degree, and the two half-marathons I ran. Other items I own, are acts of service, kind words, and smiles.

Owning all of the positive things accomplished, and cementing the fact that they cannot be undone, creates a healthy foundation to build from. It gives an opportunity to see the value we already have. Those cool things accomplished; said; completed, do not, and cannot give value, they simply speak to us, and others of the goodness and worth that is innately already deep within us. Performing an act of service, speaking a kind phrase, and sharing smiles is like giving fertilizer to the goodness seed deep within. It grows a little, we feel it, recognize it, cement it in our being as fact, "I am good, I have value." and do it again. Goodness will sprout like wild-flowers, and feelings of gratitude will enter your soul, when you feel that gratitude, express it. If you believe in God express it to Him, or just throw your hands up and say, "thank you!"

As I take ownership of the good, I also must take ownership of the less good; acts that have not been so serviceable; and words that have not been so kind. Owning all of the "not so serviceable" acts, and the "not so kind" words, is a growing, and also liberating experience. Acceptance is a key to change. It is hard, if not impossible, to change something I am unwilling to accept as my own, as far as personal change goes. If it's not mine, and there's a problem with it, it's not my problem, right? It's OK that I am not perfect. I am going to do things wrong, make mistakes; do or say things that may hurt others or myself. It's a given. I accept that I am not perfect. I also recognize that I must take responsibility/be accountable for the "not so serviceable" acts, and the "not so kind" words, whether they are intentional, or not. I did them, I said them, they are mine, independent of the situation. The end. Accepting imperfection, I take responsibility, liberate myself from being a victim, learn from the experience, make amends, and commit to be better, not perfect, but better. Something else I must own, is that if I did hurt someone in some way, it's not up to me whether they accept my efforts to amend the situation,and ultimately forgive me. I own that I must do my part, and I also own that the other party must do theirs. The outcome may be favorable, or it may be otherwise. Either way, I can now "own" that I have done, or am doing my part. It's OK to give the other person time, be patient and give it to them.

Own the good, the bad, and the ugly, we all have them.

Yesterday is not editable; but we can begin today to write a better tomorrow. 

#GoodLife